Pray your Sexual Troubles Away!
Now, concerned Catholics don’t have to wonder what they ought to be doing before sex, the Holy See has given them a new guide and a suggestion that Catholic couples ought to say a specially-written prayer before jumping between the sheets. Yes, it’s a fuck prayer.
The prayer, which appears in Prayer Book for Spouses, includes, among other things, “to place within us love that truly gives, tenderness that truly unites, self-offering that tells the truth and does not deceive, forgiveness that truly receives, loving physical union that welcomes”.
According to Rt Rev Paul Hendricks, who is the Auxiliary Bishop of Southwark and sits on the charity’s board, “I suppose it is a bit idealistic but it is recognising that God is at the heart of the marriage relationship between husband and wife.”That’s all well and good, I guess and if you really feel the need to pray to an imaginary man in the sky before doing the nasty, that’s your right. However, I’m sure the book, which purports to contain prayers for every stage of marriage and family life, including engagement, planning for parenthood, pregnancy and caring for children and elderly parents, is missing some prayers which are likely useful in modern life.
Which prayers, you might ask? The prayer to Jesus to stave off premature ejaculation, perhaps? Beseeching the Saints that your significant other not get pregnant, after all, the book goes into great detail in the Catholic rejection of birth control and abortion. If you can’t convince your wife that you’re the man and therefore get what you want, you can use the Prayer to the Saint of the Blue Balls to get her to change her ways. How about a prayer for God to play Holy Viagra and make your willy stand straight and strong? That might be nice for older Catholics who could have a problem in that department. And I suppose the most important prayer of them all, an invocation that your little Johnny or Judy isn’t going to get molested by a priest at next week’s mass. That’s probably the biggest risk of all.
2 Comments to “Pray your Sexual Troubles Away!”
Ratzi sure is getting kinky, isn’t he.
What about the prayer for a vaginal lift? No one wants to fuck a glass of water. Probably the prayer most wanted that’s not in there is the prayer for oral.
Bitchscriptions
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